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  • Tucker Spolter

HOW ARE YOUR NUTS


Close friends moved to Hawaii. The “Big Island.” Their new home would include the Pacific Ocean, deserts, rainforest, waterfalls and an active volcano. Into this new home would move Kathy and Keith. Kathy is kind, gentle, a loving woman who savors life.

Whether the natives of Hawaii were warned or prepared for the immigration of Keith K., also kind and gentle and always full of love, is still up for conjecture. But with this move to Big Island his haoli friends left behind on the mainland knew the legends of Keith would grow.

Later I hope to fully expound on further famous/infamous moments in the life of Keith. Time constraints prohibit me from telling the full story of:

A crucial golf tournament when Keith insisted on smoking a Cohiba cigar.

As Keith and I sat in a golf cart waiting for the foursome in front to vacate the third green, Keith

sucked in and puffed out smoke, I became nauseous. He ignored my looks. The ash end of his stogie grew. From the next fairway someone shouted “fore” Keith ducked. So did I. You could hear the whoosh as the golf ball flew through our cart. A few inches either way would have caused serious damage.

Keith and I exchanged glances and then shared a nervous laugh. “That guy has a serious shank or hook.” I offered.

Keith tried to suck in more smoke. The red hot ash at the end of his cigar had disappeared. And then I smelled it. Vinyl burning. Or melting. Or both. A puff of smoke appeared between Keith’s legs. Keith screamed. His purple and white polyester golf shorts were on fire. A man of quick decision, Keith dosed his genital area with my Heineken Beer. …

For the next eleven holes – each time Keith had to pick his ball out of the hole he exposed the charred remains of a five inch space …. Oh, I’ll leave it to your imagination …..

I’ll leave for another time the ‘never attack a healthy female bear that has ripped out the driver-side window of your car and is sitting comfortably in the front seat defecating’ story.

Disclaimer: This latest Keith adventure is NOT approved by -- or sanctioned by Keith or any member his family living or dead.

After several years on the Big Island, Keith and his bride Kathy bought a Macadamia Nut Farm on the northern end near in the rustic town of Kapaau.

The plan was to build a bed & breakfast unit and retain the farm. Hand Keith a hammer, saw and nails and he can building anything. I’ve seen him do it. He’s a genius.

As it turns out Keith’s Macadamia Nut farm, which we will here after refer to as Keith’s Nut Farm, is very prolific. His nuts are big and healthy. They droop from the branches in small clusters, though they seldom reach the ground.

One week after their arrival in Kapaau, in the produce section of the local store (we aren’t not talking Safeway here) a Filipina woman stopped Keith and asked, “You da man dat bought the Macadamia Farm up on Kapaau Road?”

Keith nodded.

“Den who gonna pick your nuts?”

Keith hadn’t really considered WHO would pick his nuts; so he shrugged.

“I can pick your nuts. Gotta good crew. We all pick your nuts. We’ll clean ‘em real, real good. Give you good price.” Together they walked down the frozen food aisle. Keith burrowed through the frozen TV dinners.

“Mista, a real good price. Real clean nuts.” She persisted.

Being a new macadamia nut farmer, Keith had no idea how many nuts his farm would or could produce; or how often he would have to have his nuts picked and cleaned. More important, if he was going to have his nuts picked, how much do you pay macadamia nut pickers to pick and clean your nuts?

In the deli section, they continued to negotiate. “How much would you and your crew charge me to pick and clean my nuts?’ Keith, though a novice macadamia nut farmer, he wasn’t a nut.

She quoted a price. Keith balked. “Mista, your nuts won’t be no good laying on de ground or hangin’ from da tree. You got have fresh nuts or nobody gonna be wanta dem. All de buyers want good strong nuts. No soggy, spongy nuts at all.”

At the check-out counter they compromised and reached a fair price.

Keith assures me that his nuts are some of the cleanest and freshest nuts in the entire Hawaiian Island group. Hopefully, on your next visit to the Islands you’ll have an opportunity to heft and bite into one of Keith’s & Kathy’s Macadamia Nuts.

Better yet stay at their B & B and the nuts are complimentary.


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