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For eleven years I've avoided the indignity of taking the written and physical driving test by sending in a renewal slip and a ten dollar check. For a dozen years I avoided driving almost all together. But then a job change forced me to abandon my commute bus where my 6:35 a.m. bus driver, Ann Haden, philatelist extraordinaire,

knew me as THIRD SEAT WINDOW LEFT in possession of a:

Sadly, events unceremoniously thrust me back into traffic and into the role of Captain Car Pool.

I haven't seen the most RECENT California driving test, but major changes in the Rules of the Road have been initiated during my hiatus from driving. As Captain Car Pool I immediately observed a major change in the driving habits of my fellow commuters. So I created a revised driving test to include all changes in California driving law, just in case, GOD FORBID, you or anyone you love forgets to send in that ten dollar renewal check.

All of the following questions must be answered true or false.

Revised California Driving Test

1. If you give a TEENAGER a V-8 glo-yellow Ford Mustang convertible. A vehicle so powerful that a minuscule nudge on the gas-pedal sends the car to one hundred and twenty miles an hour in less than 4.5 seconds, his/her grades will improve.

2. You should ALWAYS follow the car in front of you as close as possible. Doing so breaks down wind resistance and saves fuel.

3. You are NEVER too old to drive as long as you have the proper corrective lens and you can find a pillow that will make you tall enough to peer through the steering wheel. Shoes with soles large enough to allow your feet to touch the brake and accelerator are legal under current legislation.

4. The use of signaling lights should never be considered. Indicator lights indicate personal weakness. Never give clues of your intended route or vehicles following will attempt to cut you off.

5. If a light turns yellow, speed up and get through the intersection as quickly as possible.

  1. This could cause you to be rear-ended because the vehicle behind you has no intention of stopping either.

  2. This action also cuts down on exhaust emissions as a car at rest creates twice the pollution of a car in motion.

  3. This also facilitates traffic flow, easing vehicle build-up at annoying stop lights.

6. On a freeway never change one lane of traffic when you can change two or more. To avoid accidents accelerate and make all changes rapidly.

7. When playing a favorite tune turn the volume up and roll down your windows. Let others share your enjoyment. If you have BOOMER BOX, turn up the BASS.

8. Never make a complete stop at an arterial. Here is another instance where you will be rear ended resulting in a lengthy insurance debate. I've noticed police cars in my area follow this rule to the letter.

9. If you hear a siren or see a flashing light behind you accelerate and see if you can beat the approaching vehicle to the: accident, fire or catastrophic event. This is known as the running interference law.

10. Never use a side view or rear view mirror. They were placed there for cosmetic reasons. Remember every car around you appears much bigger than you think.

11. Always focus on the rear bumper of the car ahead of you.

a. Honk your horn if any bumper-stickers make a connection with any of your religious beliefs or political leanings. Use a single digit in passing if they do not, especially if his/her kid is doing better in school than your kid.

12. When approaching a slow moving vehicle from the rear on a one lane road, blink your bright headlights twice. Then BLAST your horn, thereby letting them know you’re enjoying the current speed and are delighted to share this moment with them.

13. While some drivers consider TEXTING while driving dangerous and irresponsible a large group of drivers DO NOT. Especially at arterials, stoplights, and traffic jams. Why not keep in touch at these opportune moments. If you suddenly look up and find yourself two or three football fields from the car ahead of you and the people in cars behind you are honking and gesticulating with single digits from both hands, these are lonely people, people with few friends and in many cases unable to pay the monthly rates for a cell phone.

14. When DOUBLE PARKING on a busy street, please go about your business quickly. There are other people anxiously waiting for your spot.

15. While the job of TOLL TAKER is going the way of the Dodo bird; when approaching a toll gate DO NOT roll down your window until you have come to a complete stop. The job of a toll taker is a lonely and difficult. Demonstrate interest by slowly roll down your window and asking "What’s your sign?"

a.) Always use large bills. It makes it easier for toll takers to count out their cash drawers at the end of a long shift.

b.) If for some reason (bad planning) you can not find a large bill, unrolled pennies and nickels are nice gift. Many toll takers collect coins and love to finger through piles of small change before returning home to their families.

15. MULTITASKING: If you look into the window of any passing/ or any vehicle you’re passing and you espy someone brushing their teeth, applying mascara, sipping a Star Bucks double mocha fudge, conversing on an illegal hand held cell phone, head bent texting , sucking in large quantities of smoke from a strange looking cigarette DO NOTHING. These horse’s asses are usually armed.



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