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Most intelligent people read obituaries. Fess up? Aren’t we all a bit curious about people’s lives and how they led them? Isn’t there a bit of gossip or Yenta in all of us?

The life journeys of many people are incredible; others more mundane. Some obituaries are terse; others poignant, still others solicit shivers and tears. And then there are obituaries written by people who obviously never spent ONE MINUTE of their life with the diseased.

I realized, unless I wrote my own bio-bituary, some other clown might feel free to take liberties with my life. So . . .


(preferably read by Samuel Jackson or Samuel Elliot)

Tuck is no longer with us. Where he is, or if he is anywhere, is anyone’s guess. So why bother guessing.

Tucker was a virgin at birth and spent many years trying to rectify that condition. Although he had another brother still to be born, Tucker was forever the family favorite.

Tucker walked and talked two weeks before his first birthday. Later to the chagrin of classmates, Marine Corps comrades, Safeway customers, teaching colleagues, tennis, golfing buddies, ukulele strummers, family and friends never stopped doing either.

An early ear for music rivaling Sibelius, Mozart, Lennon and McCartney; Tuck composed a 15th century madrigal and several sonatas sitting on his privy throne during potty training. During these same solitary musings Tuck began logic problems for the Mensa society.

Obsessed with dental hygiene Tuck learned to brush his teeth with either hand using a technique dubbed the “Ambi-dental cross cleaning, molar simulation,” which is currently recommended by dentist and dental hygienist across the planet. Of course, his “Three Finger” toothbrush grip is legend. And currently used by violin virtuoso Nicola Benedetti in the third movement of Sibelus' Finlandia.

His passion for music and musical instruments, Tuck ignored the more common bagpipe, didgeridoo, seventy-two toned Qanun and French horn; deciding to master the more challenging ukulele.

His genius for creating music in the highest registers, Tuck, scored musical etudes which could only be appreciated by a genius of Colombian bats, Finnish Lapp Hounds and a school of Penguins that mate only on the inhabited Carillons Islands. His first album "Can You Hear This?" did not make the charts... But

Never discouraged by the dwindling size of his fan base; Tuck continued to compose, adding a Fugal Horn, Timpani and Tuba to his composition -- 'A concerto in M#minor. Quickly, Tuck found himself playing in front of smaller and smaller audiences. Maybe because ..............

Tuck wrote TEN never produced movies. “Ton Eighty,” and the “Cinderella Caper” both won accolades from his Mother and a second cousin once removed currently living as a hermit somewhere in Humbolt County California. Your welcome to join the fan club at

Though, Tuck has left us, I'm certain his genius; his music, movies, mysteries, life anecdotes and his magical world of children stories: Twinkle, Twister and Starlight save Christmas, Fourth Duck from the End, What You Can Learn from A Snake and a Worm, Pickle,

the only one of Santa's reindeer who refused to Learn to Fly, and The Shape of Things Through Butterfly Wings will eventually be enjoyed by his children and grandchilren or they will left out of his will.

Perhaps at a future Oscar awards ceremonies the public and his fellow screenwriters will praise his work and be dismayed at the lack of creativity and imagination demonstrated by directors, producers and Hollywood studios who did not gobble up his work will he was still with us. Because as Tuck always said, "I wrote songs I wanted to hear. Movies I wanted to see. And children's stories I wish I heard as a child."

One young fan Ms. Addison Mc. declared, "Twinkle, Twister & Starlight,"

and "Pickle, the Sourpuss Reindeer," are my NEW all-time favorite Christmas Stories."

Tuck took to reading like a hairless vole takes to the damp under-bottom of a septic tank. Peeking over his mother’s, Tuck learned to read upside down. This lopsided view of the world did not deter Tuck’s progress. He read the entire encyclopedia Britannica before kindergarten. Right-side up & upside-down.

In grade after grade, Tucker excelled. Math, English, Latin early and late Basque. By second grade he completed two assignments in cuneiform and Sanskrit using only the nail of his index finger. In third grade Tuck was elected student body president and served in that capacity until fourth grade when he went to high school and immediately learned to drive. Not that tall, he invented a cushion strapped seat belt with an extended cork leg mechanism for acceleration and braking. Both creations were purchased in a late-night deal by Volkswagen and Mercedes Benz. Tuck used the funds to purchase shares in two up start companies, Google and Facebook.

Graduating cum laude from high school at eleven and a half, Tucker was offered commissions in every American Military service. A humble teen, never blemished by dandruff, athlete’s feet, or a single festering pimple, Tuck lied about his age, enlisted in the United States Marine Corps and excelled in every challenge the Corps presented. He set new records for chin-ups (2102) and sit-ups (4323) that to this date have not been broken.

Though never assigned combat, Tuck survived dangerous missions on Treasure Island in San Francisco Bay and Paris, France. Discharged from the service, covered in ribbons and medals, Tuck took great pride in the covetous, ‘Most Spirited Marine.’ Two Best Spit-Shined Shoes ribbons and was awarded the coveted E.J.S.S.M., known in the Corps as the Extended Jaw Straight-Spine Medal, at the 1997, June Little League parade.

After an remarkably unremarkable military career, Tuck joined Safeway Stores raising slowly through the ranks with coveted titles ranging from: Aisle 4 Custodian, Cart Collector and quickly to head bag-boy

His grocery bagging skills are still taught in special seminars at CVS, COSTCO and TRADER JOES. It's rumored, Tuck’s packaging techniques are linked to the foundation and success of the entire Amazon empire.

Tuck married his childhood sweetheart Bobbie and they were quickly blessed with two wonderful children. Bobbie and Tuck are eternally grateful they were not blessed with children a few years earlier.

Tucker went to college. Some of his ‘friends” thought he could make a lot of money as a jockey. These do-gooders were unaware Tuck was terrified of horses and the horses knew it.

Tuck became a teacher. And for thirty years Tuck never went to work. Tuck loved his teaching days, and his students. Even after retirement, students loved him right back. He received letters, photos, phone calls thanking him, and sharing stories of their success and how he’d influenced their lives.

Tuck is no longer with us. Where he is or if he is any-where, is anybody’s guess. But his life was a wonderful ride, blessed with Bobbie near its start, two incredible children and grand-children. A life filled with wonderful family, friends, love laughter and music.

Where ever he is; . . . he's probably still talking.


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