A group of ukulele, hula and genuinely good time people are planning a trip to the Kihei Surf Side Resort on the island of Maui starting Oct 1st, 2022. But like so many moments in life there’s always some clown who feels compelled to take over the festivities making plans and demands. Admittedly he did make most of the condo/hotel, dinner, and snorkel boat reservations. Still. Below is the edict everyone received. It doesn't begin kindly. There was No Hello, Hi, Dear Sir, Dear Madam, not even a lousy Aloha.
Because sunrise is 2 hours later than in California, i.e. 5:00 a.m Hawaiian time is really 7:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Time and because no one wants to waste a day by waking up too late our sojourn will begin daily at:
5:00 a.m. UP AND AT ‘EM. We’ll meet on the beach at 5:15 for 45 minutes of vigorous calisthenics: push up’s, chin up’s, a few sit-up’s and maybe a sit down, followed by our 2 ½ mile run, jog, trot to Wailea and back. Their world renown bakery and coffee shop doesn’t open until 7:00 and we’ll jogging right by the front door by then. Won’t we?
7:30 a.m. Quick breakfast of yogurt, sour poi, mango and toast. Mongoose pie if they’ve trapped a few and they’re offered on the menu.
Mongeese have over run the island. Sailors brought them to Hawaii to eradicate the rats the sailors brought to the islands, in the first place. Now the rat population is low, but so are several species of birds. Bar-b-queued mongoose buggers taste like a cross between Leather Back Turtle and Spotted Owl.
8:03 a.m. STROKES FOR FOLKS a two- mile swim towards Lahaina. Swimming stroke is optional, but no floating. The use of artificial devices like, water wings or life jackets is verboten. No whining.
10:15 a.m. Meet at Hilakula Harbor for the OUT-RIGGER CANOE RACE to the Isle of Molokini.
This is an open water race. Against the current both ways. Against the wind one of the ways.
Canoe crews will be chosen by lot. A lot of this and a lot of that. Each canoe of course will be looking for a good coxswain; along with half of the women on the planet.
12:45 p.m. BRUNCH ON THE LAWN. A delicious radish, endive, lettuce salad, laced with dried coconut slivers and Nene eggs. The Nene * is Hawaii’s state bird and you thought you were wasting your time reading this. Our meal will be lovingly prepared by The Sisters to Perpetuate Real Grass Hula Skirts Hula avert your eyes as undergarments are always optional donations to the convent are solicited as do some of the members of the convent.
1:45 1:51 p.m. FREE TIME - Here is YOUR chance to get away from our group and really absorb some Hawaiian Culture, meet new people, try new food, listen to new music and as the former, bald headed king of Hawaii was noted to expound repeatedly: etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I think it was Hawaii?
1:52 p.m. THE AFTERNOON VOLCANO CLIMB You can’t miss this event ---- Join us as we violate the access to private property, snip a barbed-wire fence or two, avoid a charging bull, as we assault the desert side of the majestic Haleakala volcano. Incidentally, though the climb is difficult, there are no SNAKES on Maui. Admittedly, there are, poisonous scorpions, and centipedes and the state bird (*see above). These geese are members of the genus branta, … family avatidae and are extremely territorial, with a bad attitude and vicious, half inch incisor, evolved to rip, tear and maim, at the end of each beak.
Each climber is responsible for their own anti-venom, bandages, ankle splints, elbow pads, toe separators, sunscreen and of course toilet paper. Most of us should be off the mountain in time for a shower, nap and a cocktail or three.
Would be stragglers… might you be a straggler???? Should consider ascending the volcano with any or all of the following: Two dozen flares; it really gets dark fast on the night side of the Haleakala. Consider packing, a spear, Taser, flare gun, machete or other protective device as the wild boars of Maui are nocturnal and can reach 600 lbs. with tusks as long as a little leaguer’s baseball bat. A special note, since the Hawaiians have been roasting these mammals and members of their immediate family for over 1000 years, any furtive attempt to placate a 600 lb. boar, his 525 lb. bride or any of their eight or more progeny, has, up until now, proved futile.
Hopefully? We’ll all be together again for the evening activities starting with the Mai Tai – coconut head bob. Then we’ll suck down the infamous “MAN THIS MAI TAI HARDLY HAS ANY RUM, RUM MAI TAI.” Beware, as many a tourist, natives and even a suspected alien or two have declared the “Man this Mai Tai hardly has any rum, Rum Mai Tai” and added more rum and suffered the consequences
We have it on good authority that as of today the “Man this Mai Tai Hardly has any rum, Rum Mai Tai,” has been responsible for
Time shares - purchases
Forgotten anniversary, bridal showers, infidelities, and even a few fidelities.
7:30 p.m. FIRE SIDE STICK TOSS always an island favorite, especially after a vigorous day dodging rivulets of lava on the leeward side of our volcano. (Mai Tai Break) Followed by
THE 100 YARD HOT COAL DASH. Here’s a chance to really see what kind of shape you’re in, a chance to impress the 50 or so on-lookers, people of all ethnicities…. And in their intoxicated state only too willing to cheer on in the 100-yard hot coal dash. (Mai Tai Break) [picture bare feet dancing over sizzling coals.]
9:30 p.m. THE CROSSED HANDED, FEET ONLY PALM TREE CLIMB, this is a team event. The Palm Tree Climber, here after known as the P.T.C is partnered with a Coconut Catcher (C.C.) This is an uncomplicated event where the P.T.C. and his/her fellow competitors-scale a palm tree --- and toss as many coconuts to the C.C. in the 5 minute time limit. (Mai Tai Break)
HINT: there are different scores for degrees of difficulty: Example:
1. Climbing a 300 foot (eight story) palm tree that lists over a steep cliff with a 300 foot drop to a ragged coral reef would garner more difficulty points than a lessor endeavor.
2. “A PALM PALMER,” A climber that only uses palms to climb the palm would receive
more points than one who uses both hands and feet.
a.) Special bonus points for the Palm Palmer who burned his/her palms after tripping
during the 100 YARD HOT COAL DASH
3. THE KNEE NAILER a Palm Tree Climber that squeezes the trunk with his knees and uses finger nails to find purchase throughout his climb will be summarily disqualified.
11:30 “ MAN THIS MAI TAI HARDLY HAS ANY RUM,
RUM MAI TAI.” Break followed by three hours of kanikapila, hula, garbled discourse and stumbling.
3:30 a.m. THE DAILY AWARDS CEREMONY - Past recipients have usually been those still standing. Though no one has received an award for the past 3 years.
Now get some rest, soon WE’LL ALL be meeting daily on the beach around 5:00 a.m.
p.s. now you’ll understand why the NON-DISCUSSABLE VACATION TOPICS in the 50 and Counting Section on this web-site had to be written.