ANGRY ALLEGORIES AND MYSTICAL METAPHORS



Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. You remember analogies and metaphors, don’t you. Sophomore English. Ah, those weren’t the days, my friend, were they?

Let the game begin. Below are 25 analogies and metaphors that are sure to bring a smile. And because you, my readers, are among the brightest people on the planet, please delve into your Mensa mind and create a masterpiece, Mona Lisa like, metaphor of your own.


Each metaphor will be judged by a group of partial and bribable individuals who at least maintained a Cee average in sophomore English. The top three entrees will vie for a free lunch and ride a 1956 corvette. But first:


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. Underpants in a dryer and thoughts in her head displayed the same degree of logic as her choice of husbands.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature side of beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p..m., at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Kate Middleton’s teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind a starving lion gets. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


I hope you’re getting hot like tea kettle after Thanksgiving dinner just before the whistle starts to blow.

Please send in your analogy or metaphor.


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